December again

I made it through Blogvember, but fell just short of my goal. I did not blog quite every day, but very nearly almost did. Anyway, I'm proud of what I accomplished, even if none of my entries were earth shattering. At least it got me writing again!

The She & Him Christmas CD is adorable. I don't like the version of Baby It's Cold Outside that's on it, though; she sang a cuter version in Elf.

For a day when I got out of bed too late to shower, I sure did get a lot of compliments on my hair today.

A 2-day work week is much, much too long after 5 days in Arizona. Never again will I get off a flight at 11pm and go to work the very next morning. There needs to be a day to recoup in there somewhere.

The view from Aron's and my hotel room:


You're in a desert. Go left.


All I need out of a vacation.

Too tired for words

Grand Skywalkers

I'm not even sure I can put into words how awesome today was. We saw the Grand Canyon, we walked on the glass bridge, we saw and fed the fattest goat ever, I discovered I'm not a bad shot with a bow and arrow, I almost won a macbook, I sucked some more at bowling, I won and lost at video poker, I played black jack...

My grandpa said today that this has been his best birthday ever. I think this has been my best vacation ever, and I've had some pretty damn amazing vacations before.

I walked on the sky today.

Today's advice comes from my dear, sweet, amazingly active 80-year-old grandpa: Conserve water; shower with a friend.

California Dreaming

Today is my Grandpa's 80th birthday, the reason for our surprise trip down here. We went to Oatman, AZ, a town on Route 66 straight out of the gold rush era. There were wild burrows, a staged bank robbery and gun fight, crumbling old buildings, and about a thousand gift shops. There was a wild donkey tussle in which a man next to us was knocked very suddenly to the ground; that's when I stopped trusting donkeys, those jackasses. We stopped in Needles, CA for lunch, fresh jerky, and the ability to say we went to California on this trip, and then we proceeded to Lake Havasu.

In the spring, Lake Havasu is a hopping spring break destination, full of busy shops and restaurants and scantily clad young women. Today, it was full of closed, empty shops, and only a few other people besides the eight of us. But we saw what we went there to see: the original London Bridge, moved there in 1971. Pretty strange to see the British flag, old and very British lamp posts, and palm trees. We took a lot of pictures and then moved on the watch the sun set behind the mountains next to a small replica of Split Rock lighthouse.

We got Grandpa some birthday ice cream and now are trying to decide what to do for the remainder of the evening. I'd love to fall into bed after yet another full day, but I have a feeling I'm going to get outvoted on that one.

Tomorrow: the Grand Canyon!

The best vacation.

Bullhead City, Arizona, where my grandpa lives, is in a different time zone than Laughlin, Nevada, where my family and I are staying. This makes for very confusing itinerary arranging.

I love when hotels have everything. Ours, for instance, has a buffet, a 24-hour restaurant, various food court type places, a casino, a billion stores (where EVERYTHING is covered in bling...why is everything in old Vegas SO covered in bling??), a movie theater, some bars, a car museum/showroom, and a bowling alley. We went bowling tonight, and while I scraped a measley 69, my dad got got over 200 and had five strikes in a row. Five!!! Crazy awesome.

Shrimp cocktail is only good if the shrimp are nice and big and displayed in such a way that allows you to pick up one at a time. When there are 30 little shrimps in a sundae glass, covered and mixed with cocktail sauce, it doesn't take very long before I find them creepy and unappetizing instead of delicious.

So far I'm down money in gambling, but I'm definitely up on headbands.

Today's bit of sage wisdom comes from a lady in our elevator, on oxygen and driving a scooter: "Have a good evening and life."

Laughing in Laughlin

Today I got on a plane for the first time since December 6, 2010. Oh, how I've missed flying! Not flight attending, but flying and airplanes and mountains...oh my! Towards the end of our flight, I started telling Pam and Aron about the reasons behind the rules that people think are dumb - why seats and tray tables have to be up, why you have to wear a seatbelt, why you can't hold your purse in your lap, etc. It has a lot to do with how the plane acts in turbulence and during a crash. The surrounding passengers probably didn't like that too much. Oh well.

We got into Laughlin around 9:20. My grandpa knew my mom and dad were coming for a visit, but he didn't know that my aunt and her husband, Pam, me, and Aron were also coming. We surprised the hell out of him, for sure. It's his 80th birthday on Monday, and he's just thrilled that we all showed up.

So far we've gone to In N Out, napped, decided that Laughlin is like an old Las Vegas, watched a holiday boat parade, shopped, had Mexican food and margaritas, and taken a dip in the hot tub. Despite ridiculous amounts of wind, it has been a delightful, wonderful, awesome vacation so far.

I leave you for now with some advice my dad has given me today: "Get a room!" and "Eat less, drink more!"

Black Friday.

My sister and I went to Target at 11 last night to stand in line for a camera she wanted. We got in at 12.05, and the TV I wanted to look at was gone (I didn't have high hopes, really). There were plenty of cameras, though, if you could only navigate through the sea of people to get to them! It was insanity. After much walking around and picking things up and putting them back down, she decided she didn't want the camera, and I decided the $9 stick vacuum I wanted wasn't worth the line...so we left with nothing. We went to Target at 11pm, waited in line for an hour, and left with NOTHING.

But I went back later, and I got my vacuum. Best $9 I ever spent! Seriously, I love it. I got a couple new purses at Kohl's, and resisted buying any of the ridiculously overpriced Kindle cases anywhere.

Now I don't know what I'm doing here, blogging. It took me awhile to pack, and then of course I had to blog, but really I should be sleeping. I have to be to the airport at 4am, after all.

Next up: Live from Arizona!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm far, far too busy to post on Thanksgiving. There's too much good food to eat, too many turkeys to color, too many ads to look through.

Hope you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Sifting and sorting

I don't know why I wait until so late in the day to blog; I could easily write things much earlier in the day.

Today, for instance, I got off work a whopping 3 hours early! I was home enjoying the sunshine and my cat by 2:30. This was especially delightful since most days, it's dark out by the time I leave work, where I have no windows at all, anywhere. I'd be safe in a tornado there, but I would have no idea it was happening.

Sitting on the couch with my cat in my lap and my Kindle in hand is my new favorite thing. It's amazing. Also, thanks to some excellent people, my Kindle is suddenly getting pretty fat and happy. I have almost everything I've ever wanted on it! Almost.

In unrelated news, I've been discussing the concept of intellectual property a lot recently. Jess and I came to the conclusion that it's an interesting concept, and it had its place for awhile, but it was a concept that was only applicable from the mid 1800s until the internet. The end.

Which is not to say that I don't want to pay for anything ever. If you write a book, I will gladly pay you for the pleasure of reading it. But...I would like to pay you once, and I would like to be able to read it in any/every format of my choice. I would like to buy your song once, and listen to it on as many computers and devices as I want.

I think this is the direction we're heading in, but some people are reluctant to go there. Aron told me that if you buy a record, it often comes with a code to download the album on itunes. If you buy a blu-ray, you get the dvd and a digital copy with it. Hopefully soon the same will apply to books - buy a book, get a code to download it to your preferred e-reader as well. That would be loverly indeed.


Pam and I spent the evening baking: two batches of brownies, a pumpkin pie, and a pumpkin roll. I made the pie crust, and I hope it's super delicious. It's gluten free, but it looked and felt like gluten-ful dough! I hope it turns out alright.

While Pam did much of the baking, I sorted Kindle files. There's a program that lets you make sure the title and author are correct, fill in the series it's a part of and what number in the series that book is, AND change the cover art! It makes me very happy to have all of this arranged now.

I'm so looking forward to the next week. Oh, did I mention I don't go back to work until a week from tomorrow? Yeah, a week. From tomorrow. I'm gonna do so much reading!

Kindling

I almost forgot to blog tonight because I was too busy reading on my new Kindle. Never has it been so easy to read a big, heavy book with my kitten in my lap! So, so delightful. So worth it. So much fun.

Aron and I ventured to Poor Richard's for dinner again, a restaurant conveniently located equidistant from our houses. Crab quesadillas and shrimp scampi? Yes please. The slowest service I've gotten perhaps ever mixed with incorrect refills and taking my plate without asking if I'm done? Mmmmm, not so much, thanks.

Today is Tuesday, but it is like Thursday in that tomorrow is my last day of work for the week. But then I don't go back until NEXT Thursday, and that, my friends, is amazing. I'm so looking forward to vacation! I love my job, but I suspect I will love it even more after a week away from it.

My favorite thing is when Mabel sleeps under the Christmas tree, like the furriest, fattest little present.

Speaking of. Care to put your sleuthing skills to the test? There is a movie (that probably came out sometime after 2003?) wherein the characters lay down under the Christmas tree and look up through the branches. I believe one character does it first, then another two join the initial character. It was all over livejournal in icon form. I am almost positive it is in a Harry Potter movie; Jess is certain it is not. Does anyone, anywhere have the slightest idea what I'm talking about? .... Anyone?

Catch a falling star

I decided that I want to buy a Kindle on black Friday. It's about time I could carry more than one book around with me at a time without breaking my back. So I started poking around the internets, looking for deals, and...there aren't really any. A gift card at Radio Shack or Staples, a discount on a case at Office Depot. But nothing super attractive at any certain store. And then I thought, what if whatever store I decide to go to runs out of them before I get there? And then I thought, well, since I won't be saving money to wait until black Friday, why not just buy it now?

Jess is putting up a Christmas tree. We're watching Love Actually. And I'm filling up my new toy with all sorts of free classics and crap.

I was very, VERY disappointed to find out that the Harry Potters are not yet available in e-format, though. Those books are the whole reason I decided I wanted a Kindle in the first place! Oh, to have the whole series with me at once, in my pocket! Soon, though. Soon.

In the meantime, Douglas Adams will tide me over quite well.

Friendsgiving

Snow makes me panicky, as it turns out. I've never lost anyone to weather, but I remember terrible days with terrible weather. I remember losing someone I loved. And I remember the blizzard that collapsed the metrodome on the day I said goodbye. So the freshly fallen snow-turned-ice makes me rather anxious, especially when I know all my loved ones are out driving in it. It's supposed to warm up again this week. Hopefully by the next time it snows, I can relax a little, knowing we've all had a weekend to get used to it already. Hopefully. Because I can't imagine having to spend an entire winter as anxious and tense as I've been this weekend.

I did have some fun, though. This evening, eleven of us gathered at a friend's house for Friendsgiving - a pre-Thanksgiving turkey dinner with friends. There was good food, great company, wine, and a toddler to keep things interesting. A lot of laughter, way too much food, a plethora of desserts...a delightful Sunday evening. The kind of fun that words can't properly express.

Is it strange that it was held at my ex-fiance's house? The one he shares with his girlfriend? Is it strange that all three of the males in attendance were supposed to have been in my wedding? Or is it strange that it's not really strange for me at all? A few of these people I've known for years; some of them I've just recently gotten to know. And you know what? I really like them. These girls are hilarious, this toddler is adorable, and this group is fun. Maybe it's strange at times, when someone makes a comment that yanks me back to a similar setting with very different circumstances from 5 years ago. Maybe it's a little weird, knowing how dangerously close I came to being the co-host of this party instead of a guest.

But those strange moments just serve to remind me that life does indeed go on. I never would have imagined this, what my life has become. I never would have imagined that I'd be able to go to their house and enjoy the time I spent there. Three years ago, I wouldn't have believed how glad I am to not be with him anymore. Ten months ago, I couldn't have imagined who I'd be with or how happy he makes me, or even that I could be this happy again.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. I'm too tired to bring this rambling reflection to a tidy conclusion. Just...life is funny, and precious, and fragile. And pretty damn amazing.

A vampire weekend.

In the past two days, I have watched all of the available Twilight movies...and so has Aron. He must really love me, to sit through all that angst.

Today was the first snowfall. Just like last year, instead of being a slow introduction to winter, it was a dumping of a few inches, plus some icy slush, for good measure. I'm so thrilled that I park in a garage now, and at least don't have to scrape my car off in the mornings. I'd be so much later to work than I already am if I had to warm up and scrape off my car.

The parking lot at work is across the street and down a ways from the building. It doesn't look that far, and on a nice day, it's not a bad walk at all. But on a hot day in summer, I'm sweating by the time I get to my car for sure. And on cold days, as it turns out, my ears are frozen and my hair is a mess by the time I make it the shelter of my Prius. So yesterday, I bought a hat. After years of resisting, I finally decided that maybe my mom was on to something, all those years ago, when she tried fruitlessly to convince me to wear one. And you know what? Not only is it really cute (I knew I'd never wear one unless I thought it was adorable), it's also really warm.

I ordered three random woot shirts the other day. I like the thrill of the unknown; I almost never buy woot shirts, but I almost always buy random woot shirts. (Partly because of Eric, I think. Random woot shirts were his favorite.) I got a good mix this time...




and my favorite....

Seriously, how the hell did I get a random woot shirt of Shakespeare characters from A-Z that was originally on woot on July 2, 2010? Ahhhmazing.

If only it were a different color, though. I'll look as pale as a vampire in this one...

Gotta get down on Friiiy-day

I went to a pizza buffet for lunch today. Buffalo chicken pizza, macaroni and cheese pizza, BLT pizza with Italian dressing, the sweetest dessert pizza, saur kraut and sausage pizza (if you're into that...I'm not). It was so, so good. And so cheap! And then I was uncomfortably full.

Tonight Aron and I had a delightful date night. We went to Target, where I got a really cute knitted hat with a flower on it; Pet Smart, where I got excited about some litter box liners and sensitive stomach food; and Byerly's, where we got four bottles of wine. Then we came home, put in a frozen pizza, and watched Twilight. Best date night ever? Totally.

I was crabby, and we were off for awhile there. But we're back now, and I'm so happy. We hung out Wednesday night, as our normal, cheerful selves, and Thursday was a much, much better day for both of us than pretty much the last two weeks had been. I'm so very glad we're back. :)

Now I must away, for my glass of wine and New Moon are beckoning.

Let's pretend it's Thursday.

Even writers take a day off once in awhile, right?

I got home from work yesterday, threw in some laundry, and then went to meet Aron for dinner to celebrate our four month dativersary. Only as dinner progressed, I felt progressively worse, and as soon as I came home, I passed out, blogless.

On the plus side, I got about 9 solid hours of sleep, and I felt awesome this morning.

On the other hand, it means that, technically, I have already failed at my blog-a-day challenge. But don't worry, dear readers. I will persevere.

Aron and I are both light eaters, so we decided to split the fish and chips and also get an order of bleu cheese bread. The waitress brought both of us salads instead of making us split one, and when she saw at the end of the meal that we didn't really like the bread, she took it off of our check AND gave us a coupon for a free appetizer so we could come back and try something else that we'd like better! Yeah, she got a pretty large tip.

Besides being sick, it was a good day. A very good day.

blog blog blog

I actually have a lot to say and tell today. I went on a field trip for work, which included cinnamon rolls and learning and Osaka hibachi, there was pumpkin pie, my kitten ignored me and then rued the day she ever tried such a thing, I have seven bells to play, and I'm so happily and deeply in love.

But I went to trivia tonight, and it's late, and if there's ANY chance of me getting to work on time (ha!), then I need to go to bed about three hours ago.

Just know, dear readers, that I feel like a new woman today.

About damn time.

Roses are red.

Amidst all my slightly angsty introspectoring yesterday, I had a lovely phone date with my dear friend Erin. Turns out, we hadn't sat down and chatted for far, far too long. We talked for awhile, exchanged the latest, and then, to my surprise and delight, she asked me to be a personal attendant at her wedding this summer!

This will be the first wedding I have an actual role in, and I'm so excited and honored.

When Nikki got married this fall, I started almost crying as soon as her bridesmaids started walking out, because I've known all of them for so long - since middle school! It was the first wedding I'd been to where I really knew most of the people in it, and the first time I've watched someone that close get married. I did not previously know how awesome weddings could be. I did not realize how exponentially better they are when you know the people. And I say this as someone who loves all weddings all the time! (You might think I wouldn't... but I so do.)

And now I get to not only witness the wedding of a wonderful friend, but also hang out and be the bride's bitch and be a part of the day! I'm thrilled. :)

I feel like I had more to say here, but I've just realized how tired I am and how on time I need to be to work tomorrow, and so it is very suddenly and urgently bedtime.

Except for the sharing of this gem, from Jess: "From here, she looks like a mud puddle turning into a cat. Starting with the ears."

An introvert's introspection.

Sometimes I forget things. Sometimes I meet such great, exciting people that I forget I'm kind of a hermit. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the new fun things that are happening to/around me that I forget basic things about myself. Things like...I am an introvert. I don't just want or like alone time; I need it. I like to spend copious amounts of time on the internet. On the couch. Watching chick flicks. Sometimes with no pants. But mostly the alone time part, and the needing thereof.

And, apparently, if I don't get it, I turn into a crazy person.

As a flight attendant, I had long overnights entirely on my own. I had random, mid-week days off work, during which all my friends were busy and I got to just hang out at home and do whatever needed doing. As a bank teller, my schedule was fluid, and I still had random days and times off. Even living with my (sometimes overbearing) parents, I knew I had certain hours every week when the house would be mine.

And then there's now. I have this amazing new boyfriend, a roommate who happens to also be my bestie, commitments on Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings, 40 hour work weeks, other friends, game nights, family.... And suddenly, weeks have gone by, and I realize I can't remember the last time I had an evening alone, the last time I got to hang out in an empty apartment.

And then I turn into a crazy person.

Today, I asked Jess to vacate the apartment for me for an evening or so. She was happy to oblige, and just the thought of it, just knowing I'd have an empty apartment tonight, improved my mood a thousandfold.

Lesson learned. Lesson. learned.

I pinch.

Today I watched a cup move an inch or two across a table under the power of the spider trapped underneath it.

I thought that only happened in movies.


I'm too crabby to blog today. I wonder if that has more to do with not getting enough sleep, my stupid cat puking up everything she ate approximately twenty seconds after she ate it, or my stupid cat clawing holes in the litter box liner and then peeing through them and making a mess for me when I emptied it today. Or perhaps (probably) how fucked up my pill-taking schedule got this month, and thus how effed my hormones probably are at the moment. Yikes. Whoops.


Coming soon to (Mis)Adventures: a tale of CRM as learned in flight attendant training; an update on my New Year's resolution; less crabbiness (hopefully).

Set your phasers to Deluminate.

HP7.2 came out on dvd yesterday. Naturally, we had a viewing party tonight. We started 7.1 just after 4 with some pizza in hand, velvet posters abounding, and drinks at the ready. We paused for some dessert pizza and then put in the second one, which we actually paid attention to. After some shots, of course. (That liquor set I wanted to buy with my magic $20? It is DELICIOUS. Passion fruit. And we put Sprite in the other half of the shot glass. It tasted like... like DELICIOUS.)

Harry Potter is SO. GOOD. I'm so glad I'm already in the process of rereading the books. SO. GOOD.

I also got this today.


I never know how to properly go about explaining this, so bear with me here. Shakespeare left money in his will to some friends to buy remembrance rings. A ring was found in the ashes of the Rose Theatre that has the saying "Pences pour moye du," which means "Think of me, god willing," and a heart with two arrows through it. It's the type of ring Shakespeare meant his friends to get. They sell replicas of this ring at the Shakespeare birthplace museum; in this picture, I'm wearing the one I bought in 2005 during my visit to Stratford-upon-Avon with my sister. So, Shakespeare, England, remembrance, etc. It means a lot of things. And I love it.

The guys at the tattoo place tried to talk me out of doing it in white, but luckily Jess has my back and didn't let that happen. I've been thinking about getting this design, in white, since sometime last December. Yesterday, I very suddenly decided that I wanted it immediately. So today, we went, and I got it. Aron held my hand, but I didn't even need to squeeze it. It hurt, but not as badly as I expected. It looked strange, but I watched the whole time.

In sum...Harry Potter parties are always awesome.

Oatmeal.

The woman at work who is an editor, but above me, but not my boss, has come to trust me. Against all my expectations, I've gotten really interested and attuned to the production side of things - making sure pages are getting out the door on time, making sure we're working on the hottest (closest to press) spreads first, things like that. Coworker-not-boss is more focused on production also, so I've started to become her little production buddy. She was out of office today, so yesterday she emailed me to be in charge of a process we have of routing things through the merchandising department to make sure all our info is correct. She didn't email either of the two editors who have been here longer than I have who know the process, nor did she email our boss, who could also take charge of the process; she emailed me. I was in charge. Bossman came back to our Editors' Lounge today and asked me if I was taking care of it; asked me, because he knew I was the most likely candidate to have been in charge of it today. (I was already almost done by the time he asked.)

My point is... they like me. They really, really like me. And let me tell you, the feeling is mutual. I may be emotionally drained at the moment, exhausted some days, or restless others, but truly, I could not be happier about my current job situation. I feel so lucky to have gotten this position when I did. It's exactly what I'd forgotten I always wanted.


In other news, tampons are weird. And if you ask your drunk girlfriend what the difference between pads and tampons is, she'll tell you more than you probably ever wanted to know.


My cat has a habit of hiding from Jess all day long, but coming out of my room as soon as she knows I'm home. Today she came out to cuddle and I held her in the most awkward position ever, upside down in the crook of my arm. She reluctantly stayed and used my boob as a pillow, because at least I was petting her. She's a funny girl, that one.

Aron took me to El Loro for dinner, where we ate until we were uncomfortably full and where I spilled rice EVERYWHERE. Afterwards we decided to walk over to the liquor store to pick up some supplies for the evening. I love when it's getting to be holiday season and they have alcoholic gift boxes. We looked at those for awhile, then wandered around trying to decide what we wanted. We settled on margaritas, then headed back home.

And then I found $20.

No, seriously, I found a $20 bill on the sidewalk on the short walk from the liquor store to the car. I was SO. DELIGHTED. And I've just decided that I'm going to use my magical $20 to buy one of those drunken gift boxes. It comes with six shot glasses that have walls in them to divide them in half! I clearly need those.

Aron's mad at me now, because I gave him questionable, self-serving "advice" during our Carcassonne game earlier. Jess is mad, too, because the move kind of fucked her over as well. I giggled maniacally (/drunkenly) for most of the rest of the game, and won by a margin of almost 50. Whoops! Heh.

These are the vase-less roses he brought me yesterday.

In a pilsner glass from BWW.


In my Guide water bottle.


I wish this would capture the smell. I love the smell of roses.

I think it might be rematch time. If we don't all fall asleep first.

Oh, also, I think I'm going to get a tattoo tomorrow. We'll see.

A girl needs her cheese.

Today I left work at 1.30 to go to a photo shoot in Hudson, WI. We were shooting some backyard BBQ scenes. It was snowing on my drive in to work. You can imagine how well that went. Do you know how hard it is to sit and chat in a screen gazebo and pretend not to be cold? I'll tell you: it's hard. But then on the way back to the office, we stopped at Dairy Queen. Because I love ice cream no matter WHAT the weather is like.

Aron arrived at my apartment this evening bearing a dozen roses. :) I don't have a vase at the apartment, so they are split into an aluminum water bottle from work and a Vikings-branded pilsner glass from Buffalo Wild Wings. I think I like them better this way.

Actual conversation we had at dinner tonight:
"I don't want your cooties."
"Best. Date night. Ever."

It was good, though. Most couples wouldn't consider apps and long islands at Applebees, a trip to Big Lots, then going home to color velvet posters and watch Big Bang Theory a date night. At least one person from most couples is going to be unhappy with some part of that progression. But I thought it was excellent.

Jess was home most of the day today, and she tried fruitlessly to coax Mabel out of hiding. Within five minutes of me sitting on the couch after I got home, Mabes was in my lap. She didn't stay long, though; I don't think she likes the Magnificat. Which is funny, because it ends in cat, and I think she's magnificent. I think I shall start to call her my magnifiCat.

On that note, I do believe it's way past my bedtime.

magnificat

I wanted to punch people (read: coworkers) in the throat much less today than yesterday, which I take as a sign that my mood is on the upswing. I hope. I do fear that the rest of the year will be a roller coaster of emotional extremes for me, but I'm not sure there's much I can do about that.

Except write. Writing helps. I need to make more time for more writing.

Right before Halloween, the bell choir found out that we were losing a member of our already sparse group. Last week, the eight of us that remained had a bit of trouble with the songs, trying to take new bells and figure out how to fill in the gaps. This week was a complete turnaround; we acquired three new members! Two of them had never rung a bell before tonight, and one is a returning member from long ago. One of the brand, brand new ones happens to be my bestie and roommate. She saw us perform at our Halloween concert and was instantly delighted with the bells. She'd never heard nor seen a bell choir before, and we dazzled her. So I convinced her to join, and so far, I believe she's having oodles of fun!

Having convinced her to join bells, it was only a small, tiny step to convince her that she should also help the choir out with our big Christmas number. We're always low on altos, see, and I happen to know that she enjoys and misses music. And it's so convenient - choir practices right after bells, and she only has to come one extra Sunday in December to sing this one piece!

And that's how I got Jess to come to church. Bwahahahahahaha!

Ahem.

This Christmas piece we're doing, by the way, is amazing. The Magnificat, by Pergolesi. We have a small-ish choir, but our director is so good at whipping us into shape and making us sound huge. This is only the second Wednesday we've practiced, and it's already sounding awesome. PLUS there will be a string quartet with us! I love strings so much. I miss being surrounded by them all the time. I think I need to start going to symphonies.

Random perk of my job: I get to be in photos for the catalog and videos for the website (recognize anyone in this one?). Today I hung upside down on an inversion table, transformed it into an ab blaster, and did a little workout. Tomorrow I get to take a trip to Wisconsin to have some backyard BBQ fun for a photo/video shoot. I hear there will be a koi pond, and actually barbecued foods that someone will have to eat!

In the meantime, I should have gone to bed ages ago. Jess and I were too busy harmonizing. ... #notaeuphemism.

Aloha, Stitch!

Mabel had to go to the vet to get a booster shot today. She hates the elevator; I think it smells like dog near the carpet. She also hates PetSmart, being full of strange animals, noises, and scents as it is. She growls a little and shakes a lot.

She tried curling up and hiding in a corner of her kennel; yeah, good luck with that, Fatty McEats-a-Lot. We took her kennel bed out of her kennel so she could sit in it instead of on the metal vet table, and she curled up as little as she could (not very little), tucked her paws and tail, and burrowed her face into the edge of the bed. So sad. So, so adorable.

My wife made breakfast burritos for dinner. They went really well with my screwdriver. And then we watched Lilo and Stitch, which is even cuter/funnier than I remembered. Now we watch My Fair Lady. Again. While I procrastinate doing my laundry. Again.


Do you ever get in a mood where everyone and everything annoys you?

Alternatively, do you ever notice that once you vocalize a thought or emotion, it takes hold and grows ever stronger?

Very frustrating, that.

Champagne bubbles.

Alex and Liz, my newly engaged friends, came over tonight for celebratory dinner, drinks, and games (games, obviously, because we're nerds). (I love parentheses.) 'Twas a lovely time, and I continue to be so ridiculously excited for them. Turns out, Alex has had the ring for weeks, including while we were at their place joking about surprise weddings last week! Hilarious.

It's hard to blog every day when you have limited time each day to blog. I have much to say, and much to ponder, but little time to devote to writing said muches.

It's also hard to write when you're sitting on a loveseat with both Aron and Alex. Very distracting, those two.

I guess I'd better go pay attention to them, then! Or maybe just eat some more sprinkles.

Sprinkles.

I found out today that two of my dear friends just got engaged. Considering we've been making jokes about surprise weddings for quite some time now, it was very exciting news to get! I'm so incredibly happy and excited for them, it's ridiculous. :)

I got to play with a Kinect for the first time this evening. It made it's way onto my Christmas list immediately. I don't know the songs on it very well, but the dancing is crazy and fun. Plus, you just have to admit that it's an amazing piece of technology.

It's day 6, and I've blogged every day so far. Technically, I'm doing well. However, I do apologize for the entries not being very exciting, meaningful, or thoughtful so far. I'll get one or two of those in this month, I'm sure of it.

In the meantime, I have to go see if Mabel has used her new litterbox today yet. That's right. Be jealous.

CarcaPWND

I played Carcassonne three times today. It was awesome.

I also got improportionately excited about a new litter box I bought for Mabel. Who, by the way, is the cutest cat on the planet.

In three weeks, I'll be in Arizona with my parents, aunt/uncle, grandpa, sister, and Aron. We're going to the Grand Canyon! I'm so excited.

Maybe my blogs will get more exciting then.

Then again, maybe not.

Too dark for socialization.

I love it when my cat lets me spoon her. It's very rare, but so delightful. Until my mouth and nose are filled with cat hair.

Which is, granted, better than the current state of Jess's mouth and nose, which are...prohibiting her from breathing, which is the opposite of what they are supposed to do.

My sweet boyfriend took me to Benihana for dinner tonight. Filet mignon and tuna steak? Yes please. Sangria in a cat-shaped cup? Obviously. Chef throwing shrimp tails into his own hat? Bonus!!

Bedtime at 10 on a Friday night? Wooooo winter hibernation!

The rain in Spain

I got an email at work today from my coworker, Eric's stepmom. She's in a community theater production of My Fair Lady, and tonight was the last dress rehearsal, to which she had two tickets for me, if I cared for them.

Um, obviously that's a YES!

I love My Fair Lady. It's so linguistic and phonetic and funny! And I just love theater in general, especially musicals. Watching community theater makes me want to be involved in community theater. I was so shy and quiet in high school, I never had the courage to be in shows. Now I wish I had. Watching them makes me want to sing and dance.

We had a Halloween Howl concert at church last Sunday, during which my sister and I sang "What is this Feeling," from Wicked. I need to do that more often, and get less nervous.

Day Two

Why do they call them sixlets? There's almost never SIX in a package. Eightlets? Tenlets? Never-enough-lets? Better than M&M-lets?

Tonight at choir, we started practicing our big, epic Christmas number. We're going to have the organ and a string quartet backing us up. It's going to be beautiful and impressive.

It was free vending-machine-coffee day at work today, AND yesterday. Super delightful. And an excellent addition to all the candy I've been eating.

My cat is so adorable it sometimes hurts me. She's been following me around ever since I got home, waiting for me to go to bed. I guess it's about that time, then.

Oh, I just bought this shirt. Aw yeah.

Remember, remember.

It's that time again. November. National Novel Writing Month. Time for Cindy to rejoin the world of blogging and attempt a feat of utmost difficulty: daily blogging.

If you'll recall, last year I attempted CiPeBleMo - Cindy's Personal Blogging Month. If you'll also recall, I failed. But I did better than I expected to, and decided even then that I wanted to try it again this year. So here I am. Back again.

Good timing, too; it's going to be a difficult season, methinks. It will be nice to blog again.

Summertime

Three months, it's been. I do apologize for that, dear readers, if there are any of you left. There is, as always, much to say. Here we have it in a nutshell:

+ Love my job. Love it so, so much.
+ Had one of the best birthdays I can ever remember. Wonderful cabin weekend.
+ HP7.2 is amazing.
+ Moved out. Signed a lease at a beautiful place. Then it burned down. A few weeks of terrible apartment hunting ensued, and then we managed to find an even better place. I live there now. It's amazing. We have a washer and dryer. We have a balcony. I have a garage. And I have a master suite. A master suite!!! We painted two walls extremely BLUE. Love my apartment. Love it.
+ An old friend turned into a new boyfriend. My feelings are sometimes jumbled and mixed and weird, but ultimately? I have never been happier. I have never had someone better. I can't stop smiling. I am not getting nearly enough sleep, because neither of us ever want to part at night, so we stay up way too late, just so we can stay together.

I'm in love with the whole world lately.

And apparently I don't blog as much when I'm happy? It's a decent problem to have, really.

Random tidbits.

It's no wonder people read chick lit, terrible romance novels, mindless fluff. Such books never come out in hardcover. They are small, easily held, light. My most recent tome of choice is too heavy to hold up for long while I relax in my hammock. When people say light summer reading, I think they mean it literally!

I got in my car after work today and reached for my chapstick. Something didn't feel right, though. My hand got sticky, and I was nervous to take the cap off. My poor, poor lip balm did not just get a little melty, a little smooshy; it started to liquefy.

You know it's a bad traffic day when 30 on the highway seems recklessly fast.

My sister and I beat my grandma and Chuck at bridge. We won three games in a row, which apparently has a special name. "You got a 700 rubber? Well that's just disgusting." Thanks, grandma, I knew you'd be proud of us for learning so well.

I managed to coax a few freckles out of hiding today. I've missed them dearly.

Did I mention I'll be moving out soon? I don't yet know where, but Jess and I will soon be roommates once again. About damn time, eh?

There's more. There's always more. But I am woefully behind on sleep, and I must go attempt to remedy that.

The Little Things

Having been out of windshield washer fluid for a good two weeks now, it gives me a disproportionate level of glee that the dealership filled it up during my car's check-up this evening.

I seriously giggled maniacally.

Editor Extraordinaire

It's day 2, and I love my new job. Today, everyone who could make it from the Creative Department went out for a team lunch to welcome me. I think there were about 20 of us at this delicious Mexican buffet. (Ps, it's a good thing I wasn't aware that Mexican buffets existed before now. I might be in trouble here. Mexican is my favorite.) My coworkers are nice and welcoming and, best of all, hilarious. They poke fun at each other all the time, and it's just a very relaxed and awesome environment. A couple of them were playing Carcassonne on their iphones with each other, and they were crazy impressed/shocked that I knew what it was.

Also, I have a desk! I have never had my own desk before, and I can't even tell you how excited I am about it. Today I made a voicemail message for my direct line and got my email set up. I'm learning my way around the very maze-like building (seriously, some of the cubes are over six feet tall! Why?!), starting to kinda sorta remember the names of people outside my immediate Editing department, and loving every minute so far. I want to bring cleaning wipes and dust everything in my cube. Think my fellow editors (there are three of us that sit in the "Editors' Lounge") will think I'm crazy? I haven't actually spent much time in my cube or at my desk yet, as I've been training with my boss, which involves doing my work in his office so we can discuss it. It's weird how excited I am to arrange to my liking and fill my drawers with things and decorate.

Oh. Would you like to know about my actual job? So far, I'm rocking it. My red pen is mighty indeed. I miss things, because I'm new, and I don't know exactly how things like formatting work around here, and my eyes are too new to notice things like the font being a half a point off, but I'm doing well. I have a handy editing guide, a dictionary, and lots of people to ask if I have questions. I can't believe I spent so much time flight attending and banking without being anxious to get into my field; now that I'm here, I never want to leave. I truly love commas, guys, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Editing has been the ultimate goal in my mind for almost ten years now (since summer 2002), and it makes me so, so happy to finally be doing it.


In other adventurous news, I went over to the ginger's place after work on Saturday. I've seen him every weekend since he saved me from the wedding I crashed, usually around 2am. This time, it was 2pm. We hung out for awhile, watched an episode of Sex and the City (seriously.), and then went on a walk and sat and talked at a coffee shop. It was...quite lovely, actually.

This past weekend I went to see a show called Girls Only, the Secret Comedy of Women. If you get a chance to see this performed, GO. I was laughing so hard I was almost in tears a couple of times. I'm considering going again with a bunch of girlfriends in tow, that's how good it was.


Things are just...really good. I have a new job that I love, a new mysterious entanglement I'm enjoying, friends that are awesome, the shiny new prospect of moving out sooner rather than later... Suffice it to say, I'm smiling a lot these days. And that, dear readers, is a wonderful thing.

Nine to five.

Once again, I find myself quitting a job that, though unrelated to my field, I've enjoyed and met great people through.

This time, however, I will not be unemployed. I am quitting the bank because I have my first real, post-college, degree-related job. On Tuesday, I accepted a position as Assistant Editor at a catalog. I get a desk, and coworkers, and an 8 to 5, Monday to Friday schedule, and benefits, and a livable wage! I could not be more excited about this.

On top of that, I'm leaving the bank on a high note. I got two top-boxes today (highest possible scores on customer satisfaction surveys), which is super important to this company. In recognition, I got to take home a sweet camping chair! Aww yeah. Everyone has been very sad upon finding out that I'm leaving, which makes me feel proud. I've clearly made a good impression and done a good job here. The store manager even told me that if things don't work out at the catalog, I still have a place there!

I'll miss the transactions, which I've gotten very speedy at, and the people, who are overall awesome, but I'll tell you what, I sure won't miss handling filthy money all day.

Things are not always as they seem.

So... so maybe I'm not as fucked up as I thought? Or maybe I am, but maybe my gut feelings, when they warn me away from a guy, are not wrong.

I did not bail on lunch with the coworker, and we actually had a really nice time. Saw him a few other times outside of work, and ended up joining him at a wedding reception on Saturday night. He was in the wedding, but I just crashed it later for the dancing and open bar. Unfortunately, things went downhill from there.

I think people can reveal a lot about themselves while drunk. Not always, but sometimes you get a glimpse of them that you otherwise wouldn't. Add to the alcohol trying to impress his friends and trying to impress me, and color me... well, unimpressed. Also, our kissing styles just do not really mesh. (I can be so diplomatic sometimes.) As time went/goes on, he seems less like he's making himself available, and a little more pushy/desperate.

Ugh. I have this fear of people encountering my blog. If you are a true internet sleuth, you can find it, even if you don't even know I have a blog. So I fear there are, right now, coworkers reading this. Coworkers who suspect this guy and I have been seeing each other, but who we have told otherwise. Coworkers who barely know me, but know and love this guy. Perhaps even this guy himself? Hopefully I'm just paranoid. If not... well, then I'm sorry you're reading this. But hey, it's my blog, and I did, after all, call it (Mis)Adventures in Life and Love, did I not? So I'll continue unabashedly.

Around 2am, I got fed up with how the night was going. Knowing I was unable to drive, though, I didn't have many options. So I texted the only person I know in Minneapolis proper (who, bonus, I figured was very likely to be out at 2am on a Saturday): the tall, charming ginger from the bar from February. He called me back, happened to be approximately three blocks from where I was, and came to pick me up in the lobby. I told coworker he was my cousin, and away we went.

The night quickly made a complete turnaround. It was quiet and cozy. We had hot chocolate. I got a tour of his apartment, which I hadn't seen all of last time I was there. We talked about how I thought he was blowing me off and then he thought I was blowing him off, and that's apparently why we haven't reconnected (I'm still a little wary of the details here.. but I'm willing to let it slide for now). He let me crash my drunken self at his place. Church bells woke us up in the morning. He told me I have beautiful eyes, and he drove me back to my car.

I hope I hear from him again, but based on last time, I'm not getting my hopes too high. If nothing else, it was the perfect end to a strange evening.

(Mis)adventures indeed.

Beware the Ides of March.

After two months of not working, going back to work is kind of exhausting. It's been two weeks since I finished training and started actually working, and despite being hired at 25 hours, today was my first day off. (Ok, aside from Sundays, but I still have to get up Sunday mornings despite banks being closed.)

My mom has shingles. I have therefore been in charge of bell choir. I had my directorial debut in church this past Sunday, and I was in charge on Wednesday as well. I'm a pretty good director, if I do say so myself. In addition to directing on Sunday, I also played my three bells and one of mom's. Despite me being incredibly nervous, the song went well, and we got tons of compliments.

I'm doing pretty well at work, too. I'm still new, still learning the ways of things, still getting all the keys and information I need, but it's going well overall. I don't know why they keep having me close when I'm the newest teller, but I'm learning the process for that, too. I dread the day they start having me open in the mornings, though!

I tried to set a date with the charming ginger from the bar, but I have been unsuccessful so far. On the other hand, one of my new coworkers invited me out for drinks on Tuesday (with a couple of other coworkers), came to wings on Wednesday, has tried to hang out with me both nights since, and has been texting me all week. He's sweet, he's funny, he's trying his damnedest to make himself available to me, and yet... and yet I'd rather chase unsuccessfully after the tall ginger.

Realizing this led me to an epiphany of sorts: I'm fucked up.

Ok, I knew that already. Have been for a long time now, actually. But I dug deeper. Turns out, I follow patterns. I have, all my life, been attracted almost exclusively to unavailable men, emotionally or otherwise. The guys I liked in high school? Most of them are gay now. No joke, they are actually actively dating men. When a guy shows actual, potentially lasting interest in me, I balk. I find an excuse, even a valid reason why I shouldn't even give said guy a chance. I have gut feelings, and I follow them. But are these "gut feelings" just me being scared?

Instead, I opt to hunt down the unavailable ones, force them to fall for me, and then worsen my problems when it all just ends in heartbreak. Why do I do this? What does it all mean?

It's not as if I don't want to be in a successful relationship. I'm a huge sap in general, and I love being in love. So why can't I pick a guy who will talk to me openly, love and respect and trust me, send me a random text to let me know he's thinking of me? (This is not to say that I've always picked men who are terrible in every way, obviously; please don't think that's what I mean.)

I agreed to go to lunch with the coworker after work tomorrow; I have the urge to bail. I went home with the ginger from the bar, but I'm terrified at the thought that the coworker might try to, I don't know, hold my hand or something tomorrow. What is wrong with me?

I don't know. I don't have the answers, just the questions.

Some days.

Some days are just so. utterly. depressing.

I feel antsy. Like I don't want to be sitting at my grandma's house eating chicken, not because I don't love her, and not because I don't love chicken and mashed potatoes, but just because I can't bear it. I can't just sit there and eat chicken like everything is awesome. I'm antsy to leave, not because I have anything better or more pressing to do, but because I just can't keep sitting there.

I finished reading a depressing book, so to cheer myself up and shake myself out of the funk I'd read myself into, I turned to the internet. More specifically, to Mark Reads Harry Potter, which generally makes me laugh or at least smile. Except I'm currently to book five in his archives. Harry Potter and Everything Horrible and Angsty. So that's not helping, but I continue to read it.

I've come to realize that weekends are the hardest time. As a flight attendant, I had random days off. And maybe, on a Tuesday night, Eric would have other things going on, and it was a work night for him anyway, and so we wouldn't hang out, no big deal. But anytime I was lucky enough to have a Friday or Saturday off, there was no question about it: Eric and I would be together. Maybe we'd just get Wendy's and then watch a bad movie. Maybe we'd go bowling. Maybe we'd have friends in town. But no matter the plan or lack thereof, we'd be together.

Now I have every weekend off, and no guaranteed plans. No completely adorable boyfriend to brainstorm food options with. No slanty bed to spend the night cuddled up in. No sanctuary in which to escape my own house.

And it sucks. It just fucking sucks.

In general, I can handle being single. I can handle not having plans on a typical Friday night. But the fact that I had this amazing man, and he was torn away from me by a cruel, hidden depression... It's just not fair.

Also, as I came here to vent my uncontrollable angst this evening, I realized it is the sixth. It has been three months exactly. I'm sure I subconsciously realized that earlier, and it's probably the main contributing factor to my mood tonight. I wonder if it excuses the fact that I can't seem to stop eating today. Or the fact that I'm wearing my favorite dress shirt of his. It's so big on me, which is strange, because he was so skinny.


On a completely unrelated note, people google the weirdest things. And sometimes it leads them to my blog. They don't generally linger long, once they realize my ramblings have nothing to do with Joseph Gordon-Levitt's personal life. Ah, if only it did!

Dear friend

When I finish a book, I get what a high school friend of mine and I refer to as a "book high." It becomes my favorite book, and I want everyone I know to read it and share it and love it like I do.

I just finished re-reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

It's funny how much your place in the world can change a book. I loved it in college, and I loved it this week as I read it, but it was an entirely different book each time. I feel like it's a very quotable book, and I want to tweet/blog/whatever all sorts of bits from it, but then I'm afraid they'll be less perfect out of context. This one, though, I've always loved:

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.



I finally started to attempt to clean my room tonight, make it nice again, and in the process I discovered one of the reasons I've been putting it off: Eric is everywhere. Movie stubs, receipts from Beirut and The Source, a map to his brother's wedding with a handwritten note, my hastily-created anniversary card. And that's not even including the chair full of things I brought home from his apartment, the box of things so important I took them pretty much as soon as I could but now can't bear to look through.

Some days are great. Some days I just cry. Some days, like today, are mysterious combinations thereof.



Ha! You're going to think I'm lying, but as I was sitting here, looking at this post, wondering what last sentence I should throw in here, Ingrid Michaelson's Be OK came on mypod.

Thanks, universe.

Apples to Oranges

I've always preferred oranges to apples and apple juice to orange juice.

Unless, of course, there's vodka involved.

Songs and notes.

Sometimes I think my ipod mocks me. Sometimes it tries to console me. Sometimes it knows just which songs to play for me to sing along to, happy or sad.

I've begun to think of T Sweezy's song "Back to December" as being from Eric. I was out running errands one day, and every time I got into my car, this song was on. And mypod wasn't even involved! It makes me feel better to believe that he regrets it, that he'd go back to December and change his own mind, if he could.

Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" came on in my car one day. It's a song I got from Alex one day when I took many songs from his computer. I love Ingrid, but had never heard this song in particular before. It was so upbeat and happy, and I fell in love immediately. I put it on repeat for the rest of my drive home. It's become something of an anthem for me. I'd put some lyrics here, but it's just not the same without her and the music. So, here - go listen to this.

And here's the thing: I do know that I will be OK, no maybe about it.


Other noteworthy items:

- I begin training for my new job in the morning! I will be the best-dressed bank teller you ever did see. Have I mentioned how excited I am to never have to wear my FA uniform again? Or how equally excited I am for blouses and sweater vests and dress pants? VERY. EXCITED.

- We had a few days of spring, and the sun came out and melted our snow mountains, and now we're in the midst of a winter storm. Oh, February. Thanks for dumping snow everywhere just as I have to navigate my way to a new job downtown. Much appreciated.

- I went out with a big group on Friday to celebrate a good friend's birthday. We drank, we sang along loudly at the piano bar, we put her on stage, we drank more, and we danced up a storm at the 90s. I felt sexy and confident in my little black sheath dress. It was just what I needed. And then it got more interesting: I let a tall, charming ginger buy me a drink. Now I'm that girl, waiting for him to call.... Except, if I'm waiting too long, I have his number, too. And, guys? I think I might use it.


Life is weird, but it goes on.

Life Lessons

Don't quit your job search just because you found one you really want. Wanting does not equal getting. (I didn't get that job I wanted. I have an interview to be a bank teller on Tuesday, though! So that's something.)

Just because your boyfriend is dead doesn't mean you should wear the same pair of earrings for a month. I know that now. I'm sorry, ears. I'm sorrier, pretty earrings.

When you do finally change your earrings, you probably shouldn't put in heavy dangly ones. Your ears are used to studs. Heavy earrings are heavy. I'm sorry again, ears.

Have your resume in front of you when you have a phone interview. You will be nervous, and you will forget how long you've been at all your jobs.

Your grandma has some really great stories, like how a car she was in once got hit by a train, and that's what made Bob start to fall in love with Muriel, who he married before he married grandma, Muriel's sister (after Muriel had died young, because she had a weak heart because she had rheumatic fever when she was young). Also, she's funny. The only dance she does is the Elevator Dance - no steps!!

You shouldn't go online shopping when you're unemployed.

Good, and bad.

My New Year's resolution of a happy thing every day is going pretty well.

For instance, today I had an interview at a kick-ass organization that I really want to be a part of. During the course of the interview, I found out that there were 150ish applicants, and they are interviewing seven of them. Holy cow. I feel amazingly lucky to have even gotten an interview!

On the other hand, today my grandma was admitted to the hospital. She's been acting strange: she thinks people have been in and out of her house for days; no one's been there. She thinks there are little boys running around; there are no small children. None of the tests they've done so far reveal anything wrong. We're almost positive she will not be allowed to continue living alone at her house. So that's.. not so good.

Good: tacos and games at Alex and Liz's last night. Also, cats.

Bad: really cold. Also, more snow.

Good: Mesaba actually paid out my vacation! Unexpected and delightful.

Bad: I don't leave the house / am not awake during bank hours, so I have yet to deposit said vacation payout, or a number of other checks in my possession.

So. There are ups and downs. More and more ups. I'll get there, somewhere, sometime.

In other news, I like Jimmy Fallon more every time I watch. I wish I had cable so I could watch Conan as well.

Snow

Has there ever not been snow? I swear it's almost taller than me in the piles next to the driveway. And every time I look at my weather widget (because I hibernate in my basement) or look out a window (which hurts my eyes), there it is, snowing again.

All this snow really doesn't help my new anxiety. I bailed on going to Jess's house tonight, to drink delicious things and eat delicious foods and play awesome Rock Band, because I was too afraid to drive in the snow. I'm a Minnesotan, for Pete's sake! I should be an old pro at this by now. And I was, last year. This year, I'm too afraid to drive down to see my best friend on a Friday night.

I did go to a movie, though. An old friend of mine from elementary school lives five blocks from me. She picked me up and we went to a theater a few short miles away to see Black Swan, which was intense and creepy and really amazing, actually.

I actually went outside earlier this evening, as well, to help shovel. Only, I don't shovel very often, so I'm not very efficient, especially when I can't even throw the snow high enough to make it over the driveway-edge snowbanks. So instead, I climbed into the yard (since when do yards require climbing into?) and shoveled the snow banks. I pared down the massive mounds of snow into... slightly less massive mounds of snow. I got snow in my boots and up to my knees, and I shoveled the yard. The YARD. Talk about weird.

I also officially started applying for jobs today. The first one I sent my resume into is the one I really, really want. It's at a non-profit literary center in Minneapolis. Hello, job related to my degree, how you doin'?

Also, asymptotes. I named my rock band Asymptote to Hell. Then Sheldon got stuck on a rock climbing wall and said he's an inverse tangent approaching an asymptote. These things mean something, something that I can't articulate.

Unsurprising. It seems I can't articulate much of anything tonight. It must be bedtime. I have some Groupons to spend in the morning.

By the Numbers

I'm 25. I'm a divorcee and a widow, and I never even got to walk down the aisle. I got all of the heartbreak, and none of the binding legality, none of the titles that give weight to the pain.

I'm afraid I'm going to be 90, on my deathbed, still in love with a 26-year-old. Still talking to him, still missing him. Still trying to find his scent in his old shirts.

And I'm afraid I'm not. I'm afraid I'm going to forget him, am forgetting him already. I'm losing his scent, his voice, his laugh. The way he spooned me, the way his stubble felt on my chin. I'm terrified I'm going to lose him all over again, more than I have already.

Before it was decided that I'd take all the clothes, there were a couple of specific shirts I knew I wanted, so we dug through all the laundry baskets to find them. Everything got mixed together, the order of it destroyed. (Believe it or not, there had been an order before we got to it. Kind of.) Dirty socks were mixed with shirts were mixed with towels. Now, when I pull a shirt out of the basket to smell, I go to take a big whiff, and instead of Irish Spring, Old Spice, and that indescribable Eric-ness, I get a big whiff of socks. Not so comforting.

Most days, most times, I block him out. It's the opposite of what I'd like to be doing, but it's the way I get through the day without crying. If I don't think about him, I don't cry. If I don't picture his face, I can't miss it. If I don't try to remember how it felt to hold his hand, I can't long for his fingers in mine. If I don't let anyone see how sad I am, I am not this sad.

We had been together for one year, two months, and five days.

He's been gone for one month and five days.

I don't know the hours. I just know it was the sixth, and I have a hunch it was earlier in the morning than anyone began to worry. I know he called his voicemail at 3:29am.

Chris called me at 3:47pm. And somehow, as soon as my phone rang, I knew. Because we'd been texting all day, and why would he call me if something wasn't terribly, horribly wrong? My whole life changed in those 2 minutes and 28 seconds.

I was watching the news one day, and they were talking about our most recent blizzard. Apparently, it's the most snow we've had since the infamous Halloween blizzard of 1991. (The fact that I was in Texas that year and thus missed the blizzard makes me feel like I lost out on a key piece of Minnesotan-ness. True story.) "Yes," the anchorman said, "we'll all remember where we were and what we were doing during the blizzard on December 11."

I furrowed my brow, checked a calendar, and verified what I suspected: I didn't immediately remember the blizzard, because the weather that day was overshadowed by a funeral.

But yes, the blizzard was large. It prevented me from having a luncheon with games and friends. It got me stuck at Chris and Alicia's with a group of very nice people who were nevertheless not the people I wanted to be with that day. It made me worry about everyone who was driving anywhere, any distance; I made my sister text me when they got to their hotel, two miles away. It made Jess and her large truck get stuck in a snowbank. It even brought the Metrodome's roof tumbling down.

One month ago today, we had a huge blizzard. One month ago today, I gave away two meeples, permanently. A slightly more exact month ago, I was writing a letter, the only person left awake in a quiet house; the cat at my feet was annoyed by the light.


I decided on a New Year's Resolution. Something a little more tangible than "have a happy year." Something I can do even if something terrible happens again. I've decided to write something happy down, every day. A sentence, a paragraph, whatever; just something happy, something good that happened that day. Because even on the worst days, there IS something good. So at the end of 2011, I will have a list of 365 good things.

Today, I didn't leave the house, didn't do any laundry, didn't apply for any jobs. Bad.

Today, I finished my Rock Band solo world tour on medium. Bad ass.

New Year.

In addition to the multitude of random woot shirts, the dirty socks, the stacks of random cd mixes and mystery burned dvds, the scribbled notes, the boxes and boxes of games, I inherited something kind of awesome: Eric's xbox.

Except, I don't really do video games. I never had them growing up, and I lack most of the eye/hand coordination necessary, despite playing piano and violin. First-person shooters are not so much my thing, and I'd rather watch other people kill zombies than do it myself.

When Derric and I lived together, he had an xbox. I'd sit on my computer and watch him explore weird places, sneak around, or shoot zombies. He'd offer to let me play, or to play in teams, but I had no interest. Until he bought Rockband. Then I played along. Then I learned the controls. Then I waited impatiently for it to be my turn in a large group. Then I even played for hours on end while I was home alone.

So with my Christmas money, I decided to buy myself the one and only video game I know I love for my new-old xbox. Unfortunately for me, they don't make or sell Rockband bundles anymore. Luckily for me, they do sell them online and at Gamestop. I now own Rockband, Rockband 2, and the Beatles Rockband bundle. These are the only games I own for my new gaming system that I barely know how to work; I had to text Aron to find out if I can use any usb hub or if I had to buy a special xbox one (you can use any, in case you were wondering).

I rang in the new year with my sister, her roommate, her sister, my cat, and Rockband. It was snowy and icy out. It was a small gathering, but a good one. Mellow, but rocking. And I didn't even cry at midnight (though I did post on his facebook wall. At midnight.).

And now it's a new year.

I'm not quite ready for a new start, a clean slate, whatever. I mean really, it's only been a month. But there is something about a new year. Something refreshing. People making resolutions, a whole year of possibilities ahead, an empty calendar just waiting to be filled in.

One of the blogs I read occasionally is Pioneer Woman. She lives on a working ranch with her rugged cowboy husband. She cooks, she's a self-taught photographer, she writes, she homeschools. She's just pretty all-around amazing. And she does crazy giveaways all the time: camera, mixers, Le Creuset cookware. She just did her last giveaway of 2010, in which she gave away a really nice Nikon dslr. To enter, all anyone had to do was post a comment answering the question, “What is your top New Year’s Resolution??” I wrote this:

In 2008, I made the resolution to take at least one picture every day. At the end of the year, I would make a nice photobook: My Year in Snapshots. It would include my college graduation, my wedding, my move to Arizona with my new husband. I did really well, until July, when my fiance called off the wedding.

I do always have my camera in my purse, though, and I take pictures often. 2010 was going really well; I wasn’t taking a picture a day, but I was taking lots of pictures on lots of days. Until early this month, when my boyfriend died suddenly. I don’t think I’ve taken a picture since.

My resolutions for 2011 are simple. I’d like a new job, a new apartment. But above all, I’d like to have a year good enough to take daily pictures of. I’d like to have a happy year.

Oh, also, I quit my job.

I hope you all had very happy New Year's Eves and Days!