Thursday, December 9, 2010


There are no words, and yet I have so much to say.

My incredible boyfriend, Eric Kessler, passed away unexpectedly on Monday.

My heart hurts. More often than not, my whole body is shaking. It feels like my sternum is collapsing in, like there's a black hole inside of me. I stop breathing. For about an hour yesterday, I shut down. I reached the saturation point of my grief, and there was nothing. No words, no talking, no thoughts, no tears. Just staring into the pattern of the rug, with a sweet cat curled in my lap, licking my fingers, trying to help.

And then, after a few brief hours of numbness and anger, it all came flooding back.

Sometimes I go for hours, making decisions, contributing, crying, but plowing through. And then he pops into my head. I see his face. And I remember. This isn't some stranger I'm talking about, not some distant friend. This is Eric. My Eric.

And I break all over again.


  1. {{hugs}}

    I know there aren't any words to take away the pain, but please know that there are so many of us thinking of you...

  2. This is t_t from the forum, and I just want you to know that I think of you every day and send you my prayers.

  3. As an anonymous fo friend, just wanted to send my love and prayers.

  4. I am thinking of you Cindy, and everyone else, Jess, Katie, Ren...

    Mandy informed me yesterday. I'm no longer on Facebook, but she wanted to let me know, and I'm grateful she did.

    I want to call, but am unsure of what other sentiments or support I can offer. I recalled you had a blog. I hope writing you here is okay.

    I am deeply sorry for the unexpected loss of Eric. I remember a few occasions hanging out with him along with Ren, you, Jess, and a few others in Duluth. I recall him being an extremely nice man, courteous, and witty.

    Although we haven't seen each other in some time, I do think of you, and want to express that my thoughts and prayers are with you.


  5. I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

  7. Thinking of you in your time of loss. Sending strength your way.

  8. Cynthiann, I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Please know that there are so many of us who are here for you, now and always. Many hugs, friend.

  9. It was a joy to get to know you and your happiness with Eric through RSFO. My heart and prayers go out to you for your loss. (((HUGS)))

  10. Cynthiann-- keep breathing. There are so many of us ready to listen when you are ready to talk. Yell at us if you want; just get it out.

    major hugs.